I was so lonely I held up a sign saying, 'Do you want to be my friend?'

Lee Thompson, 42, found he was suffering with loneliness after spending over 10 years building up a business and neglecting his friendships. He’s now on a mission to make friends and to help others do the same.

"Who would you call at 4am if the world was ending?" a colleague asked me a few years ago, jokingly. It was one of those random, hypothetical scenarios. We had just come out of lockdown and it has been quite a challenging time for me, both professionally and personally. Our business, Flash Pack, a UK-based solo travel company, had taken a nosedive and at one point, we were even facing bankruptcy. It had been a time of real self-reflection.

I realised I had been so focused on work and also on my marriage (my wife, Radha Vyas, is CEO) and daughter (Anyā, now five), I had totally neglected my friends. 'Who would I call?' I thought.

Other than my wife, I couldn’t think of a single person.

It was around then that I decided I really needed to focus more on cultivating and developing a small group of male friends. I’d always had a group of mates to go to the pub with in the past but since I’d left Chester, where I grew up, to move to London in my early 20s I’d become so career-oriented, I’d lost touch with people.

It was, in many ways, a conscious decision to focus more on work. I also thought that some old friends, people who I’d grown up with but had no plans to leave our home town, might hold me back.

Loneliness strikes

I realised I had been suffering with loneliness on and off for years. My wife and I started our business in 2014, a year after we met, and that took up most of my time and energy. Yet there were still times when I felt quite low, whether it was worrying about the business or just wanting someone to have a laugh with and help take my mind off things.

I suppose, over the years, I have cultivated a number of habits to help occupy me and to combat that feeling of loneliness – scrolling through Instagram, listening to podcasts or going for a run, but after that random conversation with my colleague, I realised I really needed to do more to focus on friendships.

I also realised that I wasn’t alone. In fact, we found, in a study we did last year, that almost half of British men in their 30s and 40s were struggling with loneliness. Four in ten (43%) of the 500 men we asked admitted they had an issue with being vulnerable and had never told their friends they loved them.

Drastic measures

It’s something I tried to highlight when I was in New York last November, when I set myself the mission to make lots of new connections. We are hoping to move our business out there next year but I found it to be just as tough in New York as London when it comes to making friends. So I spent the day holding up a sign saying 'Will you be my friend?' I went up to people, in the park and on the subway, and asked if they’d like to be my friend.

Reactions varied – some people clearly found it quite cringeworthy and probably thought I might be a bit unstable but some commented on my bravery and openness. Some even came up and gave me a hug or introduced me to their dog while I was standing there with my sign in Washington Square Park. Later that evening, five of my new 'friends' joined me in a bar for drinks.

The most overwhelming thing afterwards, though, was the sheer number of people who messaged to say how much my post had resonated with them. I had over 1,000 messages on Instagram and several hundred messages on LinkedIn from others who were feeling just as lonely as me.

It’s so important that we normalise forming new friendships in our adult life, especially male friendships. This has always been my passion, which is why it's also Flash Pack’s mission to form one million friendships worldwide via our trips.

Reaching out

Now, every Friday, I set aside some time to arrange to meet up with a friend or call a mate, often my friend Jonathan, a journalist who currently lives in the US, and I feel much better for it.

The fact is, a huge amount of us feel lonely, and I count myself lucky that I’m no longer one of them – but I was, and I do still have moments where I feel disconnected from my friends, both old and new.

If I’m feeling lonely now, I usually give one of my mates a call and they give me a little pep talk, including one friend I met after that standing in the park that day in New York. It happened quite recently actually. I called a friend and opened up about how I was feeling – which was, quite simply, overwhelmed, at that time.

He told me to remember how far I’d come and to think about all that I had achieved, both with work and my family. He said that he found me a really inspiring person. It made me feel quite emotional but, ultimately, so much better.

Nurturing friendships

I like to think I’m the sort of friend that someone can come to when they are in trouble, perhaps with their relationship or anything else that’s bothering them and that I’m someone they feel they can be vulnerable with. I always try to listen.

These days, I find, my friendships are less about going to the pub for a pint with a group of mates and talking about football. They are more about going for a walk or making the time to give someone a call. It’s about showing up for people and taking an interest in their life.

When it comes to loneliness, I think it’s sometimes hard to know where or how to get help. We need to collectively lean into the problem. Taking that first step to get out there, to get vulnerable and get talking to one another is tough but so worth it.

Since I’ve started investing and nurturing my friendships, I feel as though I’ve become a better, calmer husband, a better dad and more fulfilled at work. It filled that loneliness void.

It’s made me feel more content and complete, and knowing that I have a mate I could call at 4am in the morning if I was in a crisis has, honestly, changed my life for the better.

Lee’s top tips for making friends

• Be direct and show an interest in people. Ask what they do for work and what makes them tick. People respect and appreciate directness.

• Share something vulnerable about yourself. It will hopefully encourage them to share too.

• Go deeper than the surface chat – don’t just talk about the weather – find the courage to change the course of the conversation.

Flash Pack is an adventure travel company dedicated to curating bucket-list experiences for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s.

Read more

5 ways loneliness can negatively affect your health (PA media, 4-min read)

How to make friends as an adult (Yahoo Life UK, 9-min read)

Keeping their secrets and not flirting with their partner - signs you're a good friend (Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read)