Seth Meyers on JD Vance: ‘He’s Ted Cruz 2.0 – less nasal, more eyeliner’

Late-night hosts talk JD Vance’s refusal to stop telling debunked lies about Haitian immigrants and Donald Trump’s admission that he has not read Melania’s new book.

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers explained how “Trump and his semi-humanoid running mate, JD Vance, will not let go of these disgusting lies” about Haitian immigrants eating cats and dogs in Springfield, Ohio, “despite the fact that everyone from the Republican governor of Ohio to the Republican mayor of Springfield to the city manager has debunked them”.

“But Vance says it is not his job to verify what comes out of his mouth. It’s the media’s,” said Meyers, pointing to a recent rally in which Vance said: “I think the media has the responsibility to factcheck the residents of Springfield, not lie about it.”

“Has any public figure ever been more off-putting than JD Vance?” Meyers wondered. “I didn’t think anyone could ever out-Cruz Ted Cruz, but this son of a bitch did it. He’s Ted Cruz 2.0 – less nasal, more eyeliner.”

Related: Jimmy Kimmel on Trump: ‘I cannot believe he’s still trying to convince us he won the debate’

“By the way, JD, that’s exactly what the media has been doing,” he continued. “They factchecked your pet-eating lies. You’re the one who kept repeating them anyway. You don’t get to just lie and then tell everyone else it’s their job to factcheck your BS.”

Vance has also continued to lie about the immigrants’ legal status. Even though many Haitian residents of Springfield immigrated legally through the protected status program, Vance said at his rally that he didn’t believe in the legality of the program, and would thus continue to wrongly call them “illegal aliens”.

“Oh, you’re still going to call them illegal aliens? Well then, I’m still going to call you a couch fucker,” Meyers retorted. “JD Vance didn’t just have relations with a couch, he got caught in a threesome with a La-Z-Boy and an Eames chair. I don’t know if that rumor is true – I would say the media should factcheck it, but they’re all too busy chasing down his other lies.”

Stephen Colbert

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert ribbed a group called White Dudes for Harris, who are after “the Brads and the Chads, the Tylers and the Kylers, the Bradens, Jadens, Cadens and Aidens”.

According to some polls, Trump leads Harris among white men without college degrees. “Of course, in that demo, both of them are trailing far behind Big-Ass Tire,” Colbert joked. “You know its slogan: ‘Yo, I’m gonna punch it.’”

In response, White Dudes for Harris rolled out a new $10m ad campaign in a tone that Colbert described as: “I do my own research, my name is Tony Pepperoni, go fuck yourself.”

When it comes to who you vote for, “it’s none of their damn business, because us white dudes? We do what we want,” Colbert impersonated. “So let’s go get some brewskis and wings and vote for who you want, go fuck yourself.”

In other election news, Trump vowed to win deep-blue New York at a rally on Long Island this week. “Oh, people love you in New York, sir,” Colbert joked. “In fact, just this summer, Trump won a unanimous vote from 12 of his peers.”

Trump’s pitch to New Yorkers? “What have you got to lose?”

Colbert answered that with a long list: “Democracy, reproductive rights, sanity, the environment, the Department of Education, the ability to look your grandchildren in the eye, the ability to wear a red hat ever again, support from our allies and strategic McNugget reserve.”

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel started with Trump’s latest Fox News interview, in which he claimed that the audience “went crazy” for him during his debate with Kamala Harris.

“The audience that went crazy? There was no audience,” said Kimmel. “It was held in an empty room. Is he losing his mind or does he now lie so automatically he doesn’t even know it any more? At least in the past when he exaggerated the size of a crowd, there was a crowd.”

At his rally in Uniondale, Long Island, Trump bragged about having bigger crowds than Elvis, though people started exiting early, leaving mostly empty seats. “Elvis hadn’t left the building, but of course half the crowd had,” Kimmel joked.

During his speech, Trump also plugged “his invisible wife Melania’s book”, which he admitted that he hadn’t read. “Sounds like things are solid at home!” Kimmel deadpanned. “He lies all the time – he couldn’t tell one more lie about his wife’s book? Read it, loved it. Was that so difficult?”