Better not call Ken Clarke
Breaking news! Technophobe Ken Clarke has now got a mobile telephone. But it’s just as hard to get hold of the former Cabinet minister. “Hello, this is Ken Clarke’s voicemail,” he tells callers. “You’re very reckless ringing up because I tend to collect these about once every six months so don’t rely on my having received any messages that you leave after the tone. Leave a message if you like – you never know, you might be lucky. Bye!” This is progress though. In 2019, when as a MP he was the decisive vote to get Rory Stewart on to the Conservative leadership ballot, he went AWOL and was only tracked down by the smell of his cigar smoke.
Bill’s last word
When Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton appeared before the European Scrutiny Committee last week, Sir Bill Cash fitted in one last clash with his old Remainer nemesis over the future of Gibraltar before quitting the Commons after 40 years. When the Foreign Secretary said plans for the Rock would not compromise sovereignty, Cash said: “Well, we’ve been through that one.” Cameron hit back: “I am not satisfied that I’m not right about it.” Cash replied: “Well, perhaps we’re not either.” Cameron replied: “Right, but I didn’t want to leave you with the last word on that one.” Cash said: “That is quite difficult to achieve.” Cameron added: “I am always up for it, Sir Bill.” And that was that.
The bionic peer
Quadruple amputee Craig Mackinlay quit as a Tory MP last week after Rishi Sunak’s early election scuppered his plans to fight an autumn campaign without his arms or legs as he continues his recovery from sepsis. Mackinlay – who was welcomed back to the Commons with a standing ovation from MPs – had hoped to be a Parliamentary campaigner on sepsis. He might still get his wish, with Government figures now suggesting him for a peerage. The “bionic peer” has a certain ring to it.
Pound’s secret
Ex-Labour MP Stephen Pound once got a letter in his parliamentary postbag from a young woman who said: “I don’t want anything from you but I think you’re my dad.” The pair then met, the former seaman told GB News. explaining, “It was extraordinary, because we started finishing each other’s sentences. It turned out when I was 17 and her mother was 17, we’d had a relationship and I was at sea immediately afterwards. I didn’t know that her mother was pregnant, I didn’t know that she’d had a baby and I didn’t know that the girl was put up for adoption.” This caused ripples in his own family. Pound said: “My daughter was delighted she suddenly had three sisters. My son thought, ‘Crikey Dad, you were a bit of a lad back in the day!’ I said ‘Look it was the 1960s: we were all at it’.”
Rishi’s two fingers
How does Rishi Sunak – who famously does not eat for 24 hours at the start of each week – maintain his energy levels? The Prime Minister keeps a KitKat to hand, nibbling at one finger of the chocolate bar. He then stows away the remaining finger for later. With self-discipline like this perhaps the PM can pull off a poll-defying election victory after all?
Amis Smallbone
Best-selling writer Peter James wreaked revenge on fellow novelist Martin Amis after the latter snubbed him at an awards ceremony. James studied alongside Amis at a Brighton crammer. The pair met again at the awards do years later, by which time Amis, who died last year, was a celebrated literary figure. James told the launch this week for his new book They Thought I Was Dead: “I asked if he remembered me and he said ‘no’ and that I only remembered him because he was famous. Snubbed, I decided to take my revenge and created a character called Amis Smallbone whose manhood is ridiculed by a prostitute.” Don’t cross Peter James!
Chaos in Burlington House
Happy news at the Society of Antiquaries of London, which has been granted a new 999-year lease to remain at Burlington House in Mayfair from the Government after years of being threatened with eviction. Artist Adam Dant and royal portraitist Dan Llywelyn Hall are marking this happy news with an exhibition of elaborate artworks inspired by works from the Society’s historic collection. One work by Dant depicts “the lineage of Prince Harry all the way back to the Greek God Zeus and thus to Gaia and Chaos”. Everyone starts somewhere, Adam.
I spy
The Rev Richard Coles finds the positive even in a cancelled train. He tells The Oldie: “Rail replacement bus services are actually good. One – they get you there. And two – you can look into people’s houses.” He’s got a point.
Peterborough, published every Friday at 7pm, is edited by Christopher Hope. You can reach him at peterborough@telegraph.co.uk