Dear Richard Madeley: My younger sexual partners want to do bondage – but it’s just not me

Dear Richard,

I am in my late 40s and I divorced two years ago. Since then I’ve been doing unexpectedly well in the wonderful world of online dating – I turn out to be something of a fantasy figure for younger men, and I’ve had lots of fun with no strings attached, which suits me as it fits around my parenting and work commitments.

The thing that’s started to bother me is that I keep being asked by these men to do slightly bondage-y things. This was all good giggly fun at first, but it’s not really who I am sexually. The past two years have taught me that I really like sex but I’m quite straightforward about it – I don’t want to have to unleash some alternative persona or dress up.

I suppose I ought to be grateful to live in a world that allows women easy access to physical pleasure without undue shame – though I know I’d have been a lot less shameless when I was younger, which is perhaps one reason my suitors are so ready to swipe right on my profile rather than those of my younger counterparts.

But because I’ve set boundaries around anything that might lead to emotional intimacy – and I do like it that way, for now – I haven’t been able to talk to any of my beaux about just what it is they see in and want from me, apart from the obvious. I have no male friends in that age bracket, and the few straight guys my own age I know well enough to discuss such things with without getting them all hot under the collar all profess themselves baffled.

I’d like to continue with my wild sexual career, at least for a while, but I want to feel that we’re all honestly meeting each other halfway – I don’t want to do things just to fit around someone’s kink. And I don’t want to eventually meet someone closer to my own age and for him to think I’m some terrifying perv! What’s your advice?

— Anon, via email

Dear Anon,

Hmm. You don’t specify who’s doing what to whom in these encounters. Reading between the lines, I suspect you’re the one these young paramours want to be in charge. But whether you’re being asked to play a dominant role or a submissive one, the important thing is surely to feel in control of the situation – and maybe your growing reluctance to play these 
bedroom games reflects a sense of lessening control.

Either way, if you’ve decided you don’t like bondage games, you should feel under no obligation whatsoever to play them. On the other hand, if you do, but only under certain conditions and circumstances, then it’s OK – essential, rather – to be crystal clear about that.

I don’t see why you are unable to tell new partners what your preferences and no-gos are. If it’s OK for them to suggest these little boudoir theatrics, why can’t you be equally frank? And if you’re setting boundaries around emotional intimacy, surely you can set parameters for what you are prepared to do sexually, too. There may even be a function that allows for this on some of the apps you’re using; I don’t know.

The fundamental thing is that you shouldn’t be agreeing to anything at all between the sheets that you aren’t genuinely comfortable with or excited by. So don’t, er, tie yourself up in knots over it!