My in-laws think Keir Starmer is ‘an idiot’. Should I pick a fight?

The question My partner and I recently had our first child. We live in a one-bedroom flat and money is very tight. The biggest help and support we’ve had has been from my partner’s parents, who have been fantastic. My relationship with them, which has never been bad, but always been distant, has improved and I get the feeling that they’ve grown to respect and like me, which is important to me.

The other day, regarding the upcoming election, they said they were deciding between Reform UK or the Conservatives and added: “Keir Starmer can’t be prime minister because he’s an idiot.”

I find opinions like these very hard to swallow, because I struggle seeing this point of view. It seems incredibly obvious to me that this government has made catastrophic errors and taken deliberate, self-serving decisions that have damaged this country. As for Farage, I don’t even have the words for how much I dislike him. My immediate response is to gently challenge their opinions, but when I have, I get the response that neither of them “do politics” and “they’re all liars anyway”. This just makes me want to shout more, because it directly contradicts what they’ve just said. My partner doesn’t stand up to her parents and never has, and so while she agrees politically with me, she will also not challenge her parents.

Our relationship is good and I’m grateful to them. I try to tell myself that the best thing to do is not talk about this. But I feel I have lost my integrity and get myself very worked up, getting angry at my partner’s parents for voting for a government that will directly harm their new grandchild due to stupidity. Am I simply a people pleaser?

Philippa’s answer I expect, whether you convince your partner’s parents or not, there will be change, because most people have tired of the present regime. So don’t fall out with these people who, apart from their political views, you really appreciate.

People pleasing does not have to mean colluding. Keep up the pleasing by trying to learn where they are coming from and trying to understand why they have the views that they do. Working with difference need not be about winning or losing, but about mutual understanding. No one will feel like understanding you if they don’t feel seen themselves.

It must be hard to listen to them, especially when you consider your young child’s future. You’ll be thinking about those 3,000 new school-based nurseries and the free breakfast clubs that Labour intends to bring in, as well as their plan to introduce specialist mental health support for children in every school, plans that will make a real difference to your child, but it’s important to put facts such as these to one side, and instead concentrate on the feelings.

A person’s voting pattern is often a part of their identity, even their heritage, so how people vote is often more of an emotional choice than a rational one. I don’t think you will change their views through debate. If they were to change the way they voted, they may feel as though they were being disloyal to their own parents. Often old loyalties feel very sacred or precious and may not have words or rationale to go with them. Finding out more about their family and its history of voting might make it easier to understand where they are coming from. But don’t get over-expectant that they’ll want to have such a discussion; sometimes we prefer to leave feelings just as feelings without words.

Any talks like this need to be ongoing and undertaken slowly and calmly: remember your best use of yourself in this situation is to listen and understand rather than to convince. As a people pleaser this will come naturally to you; the moment you get worked up, they won’t be able to hear what you say anyway – they’ll just notice your emotional state. Instead, stay calm and curious. It’s natural to want to shut someone down when they espouse what you might consider to be nonsensical and it’s natural to feel some urgency to do it, but when we do that, all we achieve is to push people away, which you don’t want to do.

If you could think about having general conversations about the kinds of policies they would like to keep and what new policies they would like to see, do you think you could find some common ground and something you agree on? Keep calm and respectful and use “I statements” rather than accusatory statements; keep on with your people pleasing.

By approaching this situation with empathy and understanding, you can maintain your relationship with your partner’s parents without compromising your integrity.

Recommended reading: The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt.

Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions