Midults Q&A: ‘My date revealed his tattoo - I don’t know if I can get past it’
Our comfortingly grown-up advisors, The Midults, were on hand to offer their suggestions to readers’ dilemmas in the comments section on Wednesday, September 18.
From friendship problems, relationship struggles, family feuds, or financial stresses, Annabel and Emilie responded with their guidance.
Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan, The Midults, write a hugely popular column in the Sunday Telegraph. As journalists, worriers, and incredibly good friends, they are adept at offering the advice you need to hear.
You can view a selection of readers’ dilemmas below, and share your own problems and suggestions in the comments - which A&E may respond to next time.
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06:00 PM BST
Your suggestions to other readers’ dilemmas
Share your thoughts in the comments section.
05:38 PM BST
‘I’m drinking less alcohol and liking my husband less as a result’
“Dear A&E, I used to drink alcohol two or three nights a week, and a bottle of wine on a weekend with my husband (we’ve been together seven years). We both did Dry January this year and I relished the feeling of clear-headedness and the increased energy levels so I kept going. My husband went back to his normal routine. Now that I am not drinking, I realise that he’s a bit of an annoying drunk, and am now dreading being with him while he’s intoxicated on a Friday night. What can I do?”
“Most non-drinkers work it out by choosing new places to meet their friends: parks not pubs, cake not clubs, you get the drift. But we can see, dear Teetotal, that it is going to be harder to shift the patterns with your husband. Careful not to let annoyance with his routine (which was also yours until five minutes ago), evolve towards ‘my husband is really annoying’. It is unfashionable to say this now, but it’s perfectly understandable that, after a long week, someone might sit down and make a hefty dent in a bottle of wine on a Friday night. Here’s the science bit: we all know that, medically, it’s not ‘super’ advisable.”
05:32 PM BST
‘I fear my new partner judges women’s choices’
“Dear A&E: I have been with my partner for six months. We’re both divorced and in our 50s. We’ve never really discussed our previous sexual encounters (he only knows about my ex-husband). I have refrained from doing so as he seems to take a judgemental tone when talking about women who ‘sleep around’, which is odd as he’s fairly liberal in other ways and our relationship is going really well. I’m not ashamed of the number of men I’ve been with, but I don’t want him to think differently of me. I know how silly this sounds. Should I tell the truth in the hope of a closer union, or let sleeping dogs lie?”
“Discretion is, perhaps, under-estimated. We are all entitled to a private life. First of all, this man may be lovely but he is not the index through which you should calculate your self-worth. But if you are sparing his feelings then that seems wise because talking about ex-lovers will not, generally, enrich new relationships. Listen, maybe he is a bit judgy. A lot of people are. It could be the wallpaper of his parenting, schooling, friendship group, the patriarchy, whatever. It doesn’t sound as though you are offended by his attitude but, rather, that you are nervous of his reaction should he know the terrible truth. Does a part of you want him to know? Need him to know?
“Please remember that you do not need to confess and repent. You do not need to make excuses. You do not need to lie. You could just let it lie because it cannot be changed and it changes nothing and it is no one’s business but yours. You could also – in the spirit of clarity and communication – take the temperature a little. Next time this stuff comes up you could ask, lightly, something along the lines of ‘Do I sense a bit of disapproval?’ and see where that takes you, bearing in mind it might take you nowhere good. We would counsel you to enjoy your private memories. The two things are not mutually exclusive. In the end, he probably doesn’t want to know.”
05:26 PM BST
‘One of my friends is criticising me for no good reason’
“Dear A&E: I am lucky enough (aged 55) to be in a small and fabulous friendship group of me (single) and three other women, all happily married. We have been super close for around 8 years – holidaying, eating out, garden drinks etc together. However, lately, well probably the last year, one of the ‘girls’ has been singling me out for what feels like not insignificant criticism or unkind comments. For example, criticising my parenting methods, berating me for my eating and drinking habits (I like to eat/drink in moderation – she does not) and much more.
“A recent trip abroad was somewhat soured by her insisting I ordered a jug of sangria when I only wanted a glass. I was overruled, needless to say. Also filling up my glass repeatedly with wine even though I declined. It all got rather uncomfortable. It is starting to become very obvious to me and now the other ladies that I am somewhat bullied by her. I am at a point where I make myself as small and insignificant in her company to try and slip under the radar. All that said, she is essentially a kind person and would come to my aid in my hour of need. My dilemma is do I call her out or do I suck it up for the benefit of the friendship group?”
“Clearly something in you is triggering something in her: something about the choices you make is offending her (like eating and drinking in moderation) and making her feel self-conscious about the choices she makes. We always think group dynamics will stay the same forever, but they continue to change. Everything and everyone changes – particularly at this stage in life, people are actually going through the change whether they’re howling, ‘what am I here for?’ or entering a power surge. And you might think you know that people are happy, but you don’t know really what’s going on in her life, marriage, behind closed doors.
“So, if you’re brave enough why don’t you say: ‘I just sense that something is not right between us. It feels like it’s changed. I’m so fond of you, and I really value our friendship, so I’d really like to understand’. And if she says, ‘What do you mean?’ you could say: ‘I just feel that you’re not, comfortable with the way that I do things. And I feel really self-conscious about it, and it’s making me feel self-conscious in front of you. And I’m sure you don’t want that either.’ Whatever you do, don’t say, ‘and the other girls agree’ because that just feels like ganging up.”
05:21 PM BST
‘My husband won’t talk about our dire financial situation – it’s driving the family apart’
“Dear A&E: I have been married for 35 years and have four adult children, two with a child of their own. Having been well-off for the first 25 years, we had to adjust, pretty suddenly, to having zero income, selling the family home to pay off mortgage and other debts; now we have only the basic state pensions. My husband’s self-confidence collapsed when he was made redundant and found it impossible to get another job. We cannot talk frankly about this because I know how guilty and ashamed he feels, and I don’t want him to feel my anger also, but surviving just on basic consideration and affection, for what might be another 20 years, is very hard to contemplate. Holding the family together is of prime importance to me, but at what cost?”
“This is a really tough one. You say holding the family is of prime importance to you but the children are self-sufficient, and you sound very attached to THE IDEA of the family. You also sound as though you are tempted to leave — are you or are you really angry? It’s imperative that you find a way to communicate with each other. May we suggest sitting him down and saying ‘we’ve been together for 35 years so we know we can do hard things together so we need to do this hard thing.’ The hard thing is to talk about what’s been going on, and so you can work out if it’s intolerable or tolerable. And by the way, things do change, we all panic about the future, but don’t just write yourself completely off to a life of misery. Things change. Life is shifting sands.”
05:17 PM BST
‘My wife keeps dismissing the fact that we don’t have sex’
“Dear A&E: My wife and I have a fairly happy relationship, any issues we iron out pretty quickly. I don’t want to come across as ungrateful as my wife has done a lot for the family, but the fact is we used to have sex at least once a week but in recent months it has stopped completely in that department. And that’s not for lack of me trying. She has a way of changing the subject or dismissing me that’s starting to get me down if I’m honest. How do I approach this topic with my wife without being shut down?”
“Ok. Why don’t you have a look at your question to us again? Because if you communicate with her the way you are communicating with us, it will be a miracle if you EVER get her back into bed. You say ‘she’s done a lot for the family’. You haven’t said ‘she’s beautiful. I love her. I miss her. I miss the intimacy and the connection, and I want to talk to her and I want to tell that I miss our precious time together.’ You sound as if you are describing an employee who you value, but is disposable. Because what’s radiating from your letter is an absence of love, affection, sensuality or desire. So perhaps have a think about that.”
05:11 PM BST
‘I want to travel the world but my adult children won’t move out’
“Dear A&E: My wife and I are excited to be making our retirement plans (including travelling around America), which we hope to begin in the next year. However, my wife is hesitant to take the leap and explore the world while our children (aged 23, 26) are still living in the family home, which we’d need to sell before our travels. Although they have stable jobs and can rent elsewhere, the kids are too comfortable living here, and they’d rather stay and save as long as possible. I hate to say I’m growing impatient, but I’m ready for this next step. Should I postpone our plans or encourage them to move out?”
“Neither. Continue to make your plans. Make your children aware of your plans; communicate clearly and honestly with them. Tell them the house is going on the market because you are going to travel the world. Don’t say ‘you have to move out now’. Whatever you do, don’t say ‘Oh no, we must put it off, because the children are so comfortable here’ because they may be comfortable forever. Just proceed, saying ‘we are so delighted to have you here. By the way your rooms have to be immaculate because there are going to be viewings. You’ve always known that this was our plan and it’s still our plan.’ Otherwise, if you martyr yourself to your children, you will miss the boat, literally and metaphorically, and that would be the death of a - perfectly attainable - dream.”
05:06 PM BST
‘My sister is leaving me to look after our elderly mother’
“Dear A&E: I’ve been a part-time carer for my elderly mother for the past year. I share the responsibilities with my sister as we both live an equal distance away from her. My sister, however, is itching to move abroad and escape to the sun (not forever but for a year, she says), but that would leave all the carer responsibilities to me. The fact is I can’t juggle that and a full-time job. We’ve looked at care homes, but my mother was always adamantly against them. I don’t begrudge caring for my mother but perhaps if I had no time for myself while my sister was off gallivanting I would. Can you offer any advice?”
“We all read ‘not forever’ as until she dies, didn’t we? Oof this is hard. You’re going to have to have a very, very honest conversation with your sister. You need to tell her that it feels as if she’s saying ‘I’m going to go and I’ll come back when it’s over.’ Everybody is going to have to make compromises. What are her compromises going to be? Perhaps it is time to you looked for more help. Because maybe this is not just about you feeling that your sister is abandoning you, but also about you not abandoning yourself and you not feeling as if you’ve abandoned your mother. You both need to get busy together working out how she’s going to be looked after fairly and safely, and get those things in place before your sister goes. Good luck.”
10:29 AM BST
‘My date revealed his tattoo and I don’t know if I can get past it’
“Dear A&E: I’m dating a man I met through an app and who I’m beginning to get deeper feelings for. We get on very well, he’s got a great sense of humour, he’s generous and kind, and he’s in a great job – which is a bonus. On our most recent date, I went back to his place and discovered he has a rather ugly, large tattoo (which he failed to mention up until then). I won’t say what it is as I don’t want to identify him but I can tell you that it is the least attractive thing about him. That night, I made my excuses and went home fairly quickly. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t know if I can get past this. Help!”
“Hmm. To us, this says that either you don’t actually find him very attractive, or that you need to take a long hard look at your deal-breakers. Because if you don’t find very attractive, and the tattoo is the nail in the coffin, that’s one thing. But if you are always finding something about someone that stops you from getting intimate or close to people, then careful, because it’s just a tattoo. Absolutely everybody has one least attractive thing about them. You say you have deep feelings for him, and there he is basically standing half-naked and available in front of you and you run? Spend a minute thinking about whether you have too many rules for your partners. You know: must be this height, must have this much hair, must have this much income. And if so, be careful. And if not, you probably just don’t fancy him. Tattoo be damned.”
02:24 PM BST
‘My siblings splash the cash on fancy holidays that I can’t afford’
“Dear A&E: I’m 34 and a single man. Growing up, my siblings and I were very close (I have two sisters and a brother). Whereas my three siblings have established themselves in well-paid jobs and have partners, I travelled a lot in my 20s, had a lot of fun, and haven’t found the right person to settle down with. Each summer over the past few years, they have been returning to an expensive resort on a Greek island. I went the first year (it was as you would expect – heavenly) and they still invite me, but I can’t justify it every year, it’s out of my budget. I haven’t told them I can’t afford it overtly (although they probably can guess) yet I’m starting to resent them for not trying to accommodate me. Do I ask them to holiday somewhere cheaper, or accept that I’ll have to save up a few years before I can join them again?”
“We always have to make sure that we take action before the resentment really grows. Because with resentment comes all sorts of rot and problems, and you will start acting out on the resentment. You say you’ve always been very close. You still are very close. You just aren’t financially close, which is really tough. There comes a certain time in people’s lives where the money starts to matter, because it affects where you eat, holiday, send your children to school, the houses you can afford.
“So you can say preemptively ‘Listen, guys, I just can’t do it again this year. I’ll save for a bit, and I’ll rejoin you when things change.’ They may get together and absorb the cost, or they may not quite be able to do that. Remember holidays are so precious, your siblings will be saving/looking forward to this holiday every year so if they can’t pay for you, it’s not a reflection on their feelings for you, it doesn’t mean they value you any less.”
02:11 PM BST
‘I’m fed up with my friend flaunting her new wealth’
“Dear A&E: My best friend of over 30 years has become wealthy over the last five years. This is due to her husband running a successful building business, which I commend. The issue is not that I have turned into a green-eyed monster but the way she constantly flaunts her new flashy lifestyle, making constant reference to their abundance of money! I struggle financially, working full-time on a modest salary with a very basic lifestyle. Am I being unreasonable by not expecting her to order the most expensive dish on the menu and then splitting the bill, or constantly referring to her luxury lady-of-leisure lifestyle? I really value our friendship but just wish she was more thoughtful and sensitive.”
“This feels like two separate issues: is she flaunting or is that what you are hearing? It’s always difficult when big changes happen in friendships: whether it’s new relationships, whether people suddenly get very thin or very glamorous or very rich or very fit. It always serves to highlight the way that we feel about ourselves; we’re always reflected back in our friends, it’s just human nature.
“It’s worth remembering that you are no poorer because she’s richer. And if she’s genuinely new to the money, she has perhaps not yet learned how to handle it. She’s still splitting the bill like she did with you when you both were on the same salary, but now she doesn’t have the same pressure, so she’s just being a bit silly. You can have a conversation with her saying, ‘I love seeing you but I’m under a financial cloud currently (like most of the country by the way) so could we do something else that doesn’t cost anything, like walk in the park or go to a gallery’?”
01:01 PM BST
‘My husband is choosing his tennis club friends over me’
“Dear A&E: My husband and I have a great relationship, but in recent months I’ve been feeling increasingly sidelined. We’re both busy people, but we used to enjoy a date night at least once a month, and would always spend one evening a week relaxing at home in front of the TV. This quality time has dwindled to one date night in over three months and practically no nights-in together. It’s mainly because he is spending time with new friends at the tennis club he’s joined (he’s always had friends, but I’ve always been a priority). I’ve kept my mouth closed up until now as I can see he’s happy, but I can feel the resentment brewing, and he’ll likely pick up on it soon. Should I tell him about my feelings, or let him enjoy his time with new friends in peace?”
“Whatever the reason, it’s not ok to not see each other. Because when you create draughts in relationships, things have a tendency to blow in. Or blow out. It is absolutely ok for you to sit down and say, ‘I love you playing tennis, I love this for you. You’ve always had friends and it’s one of things I admire most about you but right now it feels different, and it doesn’t feel very good.’ Tell him that your relationship with him is your most precious thing, and you don’t want to take away from his activities but rather you want to consciously couple: you want to add back in all the stuff that’s brilliant.”
