My sex life has come to a halt because of my snoring
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Dear Rachel,
The first four years my partner and I knew each other were wonderful – he was romantic, loving and even though he had many health conditions we had sexual intimacy. However his health conditions progressed and our sex life came to a halt, just like that. He had always said how much he loved kissing, but that stopped too. So that was eight years ago and along with the lack of sexual intimacy all other physical intimacy waned as well. When we are together we don’t share a bed due to my snoring apparently and I have to really work at keeping any sort of physical intimacy alive. So we hug morning and night, he will put his arm around me if we watch a film but that is it.
I am fortunate to have had very rewarding sexual relationships and I find the situation incredibly difficult. All too often I will get to near breaking point and scream that I cannot and will not accept a platonic relationship with him. He then tries for a while to be more attentive but it soon fizzles out. Three years ago I realised he might be autistic and he has had a positive diagnosis. I know in his own way he loves me but how on earth do I continue in a relationship with little intimacy or desire? To not have this with this man I love and adore so deeply is excruciating at times.
– Anon
Dear Anon,
In your longer letter you say you were both married before, and that your current chap was ejected by his then wife for his self-centred behaviour – arguably a red flag there – but your longer letter also starts: “I adore my partner.” I would say that’s reassuring to hear after your long unwanted intimacy drought (I’ve decided that’s better than the phrase “bonk desert”) and autism diagnosis. You repeat the fact that you adore him again towards the end. You don’t elaborate as to the nature of the intimacy you enjoyed in the first four years of your relationship, but I am assuming you had a “full” – do I need to spell it out? – sex life (of which more in question two, which is about ED or erectile dysfunction. Yes, I’ve decided to major on female desire and unmet needs this week, as two thirds of my postbag is, you see, from frustrated males who want to get the sunken soufflé to rise again). Which is what we turn to now. I am a firm believer, actually, in the soufflé’s gravity-defying levitational properties.
Let’s break this down. You don’t share a bed because of your snoring (has he recorded you? Do you have proof?) but he drapes an arm across your shoulders during MasterChef. You’re right – this doesn’t sound like he’s all sausage and sizzle. It sounds as if he’s powered down sex drive, his libido, and has decided to end the physical relationship with you beyond the perfunctory bedtime hug.
You’ve tried (I assume) talking about how this makes you feel and your expectation and desire for a non-platonic relationship. That hasn’t worked. Loss of desire is not something anyone can treat with a blue pill. It’s baked into your relationship. You need to throw some spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. A holiday? Some stimulants? Visual aids? Sex toys? I am, as you can see, casting around for help because this is a tough one. Some people just get bored, lazy and selfish in long-term relationships and patterns can get very hard to break. Having said that, Sally O’Sullivan, a therapist, has a deeper understanding of what’s going on. “It is poignant to read of your longing for sexual intimacy as it is for more than that in many ways; it’s a longing for connection, vitality and sensuality. Physical touch is correlated with relationship satisfaction and feelings of love. Not sharing a bed together throughout the night due to snoring could be manageable as long as there are some sensual moments before sleep or on waking in the morning,” she says. Sensual moments? I know. Most bedtime and morning routines are anything but… anyway, she has some suggestions. Like me, she wonders whether he is self-soothing (for want of a better word) and still using porn.
“Simple intimate pauses can promote a feeling of intimacy. You have already instigated hugging… hug for longer until both of your bodies relax or gaze into each other’s eyes for a few minutes while staying in close contact. Have you discussed couples sex therapy? There are various non-penetrative practices such as sensate focus which shifts the focus away from goal-oriented sexual patterns, focusing on non-orgasm/non-arousal-focused touch and the sensory aspects of touch, texture and pressure. Or orgasmic meditation which you could do together. Your partner’s attempts to engage with you could go a long way to reassuring you and reignite that early loving intimacy.” Good luck (I am tempted to add, “with that”).
Dear Rachel,
A year ago I entered a new relationship with a man I love very much. Prior to this I was in an unhappy marriage for 12 years. My new partner is 49 and I am 42. Unfortunately my new partner can’t maintain an erection and after a year together, I have never experienced orgasm. Sex is important to me. During my marriage I went off it because my ex-husband was abusive. I want to enjoy sex now with someone I love as I feel I have missed out. His pleasure is important to me. Without it I feel selfish and I can’t relax enough to enjoy myself. I have spoken to him about it. He tells me it is because he is taking antidepressants and they have reduced sensitivity. I don’t want to ask him to stop taking antidepressants as they help him with his anxiety. Please help!
– Anon
Dear Anon,
As the NHS has just warned, the antidepressants called SSRIs are a double-edged sword, as they can impair the ability to maintain erection and climax, as well as mojo. Sounds like your new man may want to consider what you as a couple need more: a sex life, or Seroxat. I am handing over now to therapist Sophie Haggard, as things get technical when it comes to his stamina. “Don’t just touch the penis when it’s already erect and it’s OK if the erection comes and goes,” she says, adding that men can practise “wax and wane” exercises for ED, which help keep the enemy of the erection, anxiety, at bay. “A psychosexual therapist would suggest ‘non-demand’ exercises where the focus is on exploring the other’s body for the self rather than worrying about what the partner is thinking/wanting/feeling,” she says (I have an aversion to the phrase “exploring each other’s bodies” but I am leaving it in), “and worrying whether there’s going to be an erection.”
Basically, the message is this. Your new partner is young and needs to sort this out. “He needs to get out of your head and into his own!” concludes Sophie. We both think he needs a well-man full health MOT to rule out any other underlying conditions – and then it’s up to you both to decide whether to stop the antidepressants or not.
