‘I want to be a grandparent but my daughter doesn’t want children’
Mandy Holder casts the wool from her knitting needles and smooths out the tiny cardigan she has carefully crafted. For a moment, she imagines fitting the sleeves on wriggling arms and doing up the buttons one-by-one before standing back to admire how it looks on her precious grandchild. Instead, she wraps the gift for someone else’s newborn.
Mandy is one of an increasing number of people who find themselves facing later life without grandchildren. The UK birth rate has fallen to 1.49 – its lowest since records began in 1939 – and a new book by Paul Morland, with the stark title No One Left, warns that we face a bleak future of economic and societal decline if we do not check our shrinking population.
“Whenever I hear the happy news of a birth among my daughter’s friends I get my needles out,” says Mandy, 61, a transport administrator from Cheltenham. “I always thought I’d be making baby clothes for my own grandchildren, but I’ve none to knit for.”
Mandy’s daughter, Georgina Evans Goodrich, 35, is the founder of comms agency LetsCulminate.co.uk. She has been with her husband for 17 years: ‘My choice [not to have children] is multifaceted,” she says. “There’s an environmental factor – the biggest thing you can do regarding your own carbon footprint, is not to add another human’s carbon footprint to the mix – but it’s also that I don’t like the idea of the pregnancy itself and I love my busy and fulfilling life as it is. My husband feels the same.’
Georgina insists she’s always known children weren’t part of her plan: “When you have children you have to give up parts of yourself – and that’s how it should be – but I don’t want to do that. I work hard and also coach netball. I have a great social life and marriage. I wouldn’t want to be the kind of mother who is out all the time and palms her kids off with babysitters, childminders – or even grandparents. My mum would have been an absolutely fantastic grandmother, but it’s my life and she understands that.”
Georgina is well aware that her choice has had wider implications. “I know how much Mum would love to be a grandmother,” she says. “We’ve spoken about it. I think she probably feels envious when she sees her friends minding their grandkids, she knits for all my friends who are pregnant and spoils my dogs – buying them presents for birthdays and Christmas. She has a lot of love to give.”
WeAreChildfree.com is an online community bringing together childfree people for mutual support. Founder Zoe Noble says society is still judgemental about non-parents and believes those choosing not to have children should never have to justify their decision to others – especially their own parents: ‘Most childfree people have no specific reason other than that they simply don’t want to have kids, just as most parents don’t need a reason either – they simply do want children. When you push people, they will bring up climate concerns or the financial implications of raising a family. I believe those are usually presented as reasons that everyone will understand and respect; but for most community members, the truth is we just don’t want to be parents!”
Noble acknowledges that parents of the childfree can struggle when it comes to accepting the fact that they will not become grandparents. “It’s especially hard for only children, who are their parents’ only hope for grandchildren,” she says. “And the pressure’s even greater for people from places where there’s heavier cultural expectation to become a parent, and then a grandparent.”
According to Kate Daly, BACP registered relationship counsellor and family consultant, such situations bring up feelings of loss. “Experiencing sadness at the prospect of not being a grandparent is normal, especially if this expectation was woven into your vision of your future. However, it’s important not to project your feelings onto your child, and instead show understanding and support.”
Mandy admits she always assumed being a grandparent would be her next phase after parenthood. “As a little girl, Georgina used to play with dolls and exclaim she wanted six daughters all named after Disney princesses, but by the time she was in her 20s I could see she was extremely career-driven and although I didn’t ask, I did wonder. When she got married at 28, frustrated with constantly being asked by friends when there’d be a baby, she said to me, ‘Why do people just presume you want children?!’ That’s when the penny dropped.”
Mandy is honest that her decision brought up difficult emotions. “I wouldn’t say I was disappointed – that’s not the right word, but I won’t pretend I wouldn’t have loved grandchildren.”
However, she has done her best not to judge.”‘I’ve always wanted my girls to be happy,” she continues. “And I’m proud of Georgina for staying true to her strongly held beliefs.”
There has however been a period of adjustment involved. “I’ve had to get my head around a new way of thinking,” Mandy says, “about what my life is really going to look like now. But I’ve changed my mindset and make the most of the family I do have. I also work, meet friends, go to gigs, go on holidays…”
While Mandy and Georgina have successfully sidestepped any upheaval in their relationship, Daly, who specialises in conflict resolution in her role with legal service Amicable.io, notes that the decision can be a source of tension: “Families often disagree on personal choices, particularly when it comes to deciding whether to have children. We can expect our children to have the same desires as us, but this is often not the case.”
So what does she advise people in Mandy’s situation? “ If you’re having difficulty understanding their choice, try to initiate a conversation in which you employ active listening without judgement – pause and think before you speak, respond respectfully, express your love and support, and avoid adding pressure by making comparisons with other families or suggesting regrets for the future.”
“It will take time to come to terms with their decision, particularly if you have long desired to be a grandparent, but the most important thing is to maintain a healthy relationship with your own child.”
Daly advises using points when life doesn’t pan out as you’d hoped as an opportunity to make a positive change. “Write lists of things you would like to do and achieve as a tool to help you cope, listen to podcasts where people have gone through the same experience, and lean on your community for support. If you’re still struggling, seek therapeutic help.”
Zoe Noble suggests those making the childfree choice should reserve some empathy for parents coming to terms with grandchild-lessness: “Like the rest of us, they were taught that everyone has kids, so they can be forgiven for expecting the same of their children.” But she adds: “Most people just want their kids to live the life that’s right for them – and that’s all that’s happening when your child chooses not to have children of their own.”