To live in Starmer’s Britain, you need to learn Labour’s bewildering catchphrases
So it’s confirmed: “levelling up” is dead. In one of its very first moves in office, Labour has officially killed it. Under Sir Keir Starmer’s new regime, what was formerly the Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities is now to be known as the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government.
In a way, I suppose we can’t really blame Labour. After all, levelling up sounds like an awful lot of hard work. Instead, the new Government clearly intends to pursue a much less strenuous course: levelling down. Hence its plan to impose 20 per cent VAT to private school fees, for example. And perhaps, in due course, raising taxes for savers, homeowners, pensioners, people who inherit money or property left to them by their late parents…
In short: if you can’t make the poor richer, simply make the rich poorer. Equality achieved. Job done.
At any rate, Angela Rayner – who is now in charge of what used to be the department for levelling up – sounds happy with the decision to bin Boris Johnson’s phrase. Under Labour, she declared, there will be “no more gimmicks and slogans”.
Well, no more Tory gimmicks and slogans, anyway. Because, as is already clear, the new Government has numerous of its own.
So, for the benefit of those bewildered by the outpouring of freshly minted Labour jargon over the past week, here’s a helpful list of Sir Keir and co’s favourite catchphrases – and what they really mean.
‘A reset with Europe’
Let’s all just pretend 2016 never happened.
‘Clean energy superpower’
Net zero may be ruinously expensive for you little people. But it will make middle-class progressives feel wonderfully virtuous, so we’re sure you’ll agree it’s worth it.
‘Country first, party second’
Sounds admirably noble, pragmatic and non-partisan, doesn’t it? At least, as long as you overlook the fact that what we’re going to do to the country is exactly what our party wants.
‘Government of service’
Think of Labour as your own personal valet. Albeit a valet who constantly berates you about pronouns and Palestine.
‘Grey belt’
Our new name for the green belt, designed to make you feel better about us building all over it.
‘Mission delivery boards’
Meetings at which we’ll monitor progress on our election pledges. Even though we barely made any. And were extremely vague about the ones we did make.
‘Most diverse parliament ever’
Well, diverse in ethnicity. But not in thought, obviously. Because all our newly elected automata have been programmed to think exactly the same.
‘Securonomics’
Radical new form of Left-wing economics. So named because its creators should be in a secure institution.
‘This government has inherited the worst set of economic circumstances since the Second World War’
Our ingeniously subtle way of softening you up for our inevitable tax rises – while prompting you to blame the Tories, rather than us.
‘We will be judged on actions, not words’
Which is lucky, because our words are always soul-crushingly boring.
‘We will deliver a decade of national renewal’
Ten years from now, this will be a totally different country. Mainly because it will have been annexed by Russia.