Why working parents feel like they don't belong

Lydia Smith

Social belonging is a fundamental human need. And yet, many working parents still feel isolated at work, with two-thirds saying they frequently feel lonely and overwhelmed by the demands of work and parenthood.

It’s easy to see why. In the last few years, working parents have been wrestling with skyrocketing childcare costs and a drop in the availability of nursery spaces. Many have found themselves taking on more childcare responsibilities and trying to do the impossible — work full-time, or as close to full-time as they can, while parenting at the same time.

And despite more awareness of the needs of working parents, many still feel like they are being left behind by their employers. Workers have the right to request flexible work, but nearly a third of women working in schools, hospitals, care homes, police stations and other key services have had requests denied, according to a recent survey by the trade union UNISON.

Parents, particularly female caregivers, have long been encouraged to juggle work with parenthood to ‘have it all’. Yet when they leave work on time — to pick up the kids from school — they can feel judged. And despite the rise in remote work, many organisations are rolling back their flexible working set-ups, leaving parents with two choices — pay more for childcare, or quit.

With so much stacked against working parents, many feel they simply don’t belong in the workplace.

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“Working parents often feel a sense of disconnection at work because of the conflicting demands of their professional duties and family responsibilities,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

“The traditional workplace culture, which often values long hours and constant availability, can leave parents feeling isolated and judged when they need to attend to their children's needs,” she adds.

“This can sometimes be made worse by a lack of understanding and support from colleagues and management, making parents feel as though they must choose between being a good employee and a good parent.”

For employees, this leads to increased stress, decreased job satisfaction, and a higher likelihood of burnout.

“It creates a toxic cycle of secrecy and shame, leading working parents to feel like imposters, while battling anxiety and low mood. Ultimately, they end up demotivated and disheartened,” says psychotherapist Ioana Rotaru.

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Companies also pay a high price for failing to support parents. The lack of inclusivity can lead to a loss of valuable talent, decreased morale, lower productivity, and ultimately, a tarnished employer brand. They may also end up paying more to recruit and train new staff to replace employees who end up quitting.

While the Covid-19 lockdowns saw parents navigate home-schooling while working — for some an impossible feat — the pandemic also normalised remote working. Remote work, and flexibility in general, is crucial for parents.

They need comprehensive support and understanding from their employers, which includes home-working, flexible hours, job shares, and part-time options for mid-level and senior roles. Subsidised childcare and fair parental leave policies — including paid paternity leave — are also helpful.

Rotaru says that her clients who have understanding employers do far better than those who don’t have adequate support. “In those environments, work becomes an additional stressor on top of the stress of parenting,” she says.

Touroni adds that creating an inclusive workplace culture that openly acknowledges and values the contributions of working parents is key. She says: “This might mean offering mentorship programmes, and creating employee resource groups can help parents feel more connected and supported.”

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Ultimately, parents need to feel comfortable expressing themselves or raising tricky issues without fear of being shamed or deemed incompetent. This phenomenon — called psychological safety — makes workers happier, healthier and more productive.

If you feel disconnected from work, it’s important to think about the reasons why. It might be that you need a break or you need to change the way you work, such as your days or hours. If you can, speak to your manager and suggest practical ways to resolve the problem.

“Working parents can start by seeking out allies and building a support network within the workplace, connecting with colleagues who may be experiencing similar challenges,” says Touroni.

“Additionally, working parents should consider advocating for broader policy changes within their organisation, either individually or as part of a group. If the workplace culture remains unresponsive or unsupportive, it may be necessary to explore opportunities with companies that prioritise inclusivity and provide the necessary support for working parents to thrive both professionally and personally.”

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