The racism my mixed-race sons may face as young men scares me

Parenting coach, podcaster and author Ivana Poku, 40, lives in Fife, Scotland, with her husband Yaw, 48, a project manager, and their twins Henry and Mason, now aged eight, and son Yaw, aged two. Here, she shares the reality of everyday prejudice her family encounters and her fears for the future…

There is a certain naivety when we fall in love and start a family. Whatever the colour of their skin, we think if we love our kids enough everything will be fine. I thought that society had evolved enough to not treat our children differently just because they’re not white, and it has come as a shock to discover that, for some people, that’s not the case.

My husband Yaw is British Ghanaian, and before I became pregnant, I was very excited at the thought of having mixed-race children. I naively thought that racism doesn’t exist anymore and, when my twins Henry and Mason, now eight, were born, followed by their younger brother Yaw, two, I believed that our little family would be fine.

But I’ve discovered that in fact, the real danger is the hidden racism, the unconscious racism, the casual racism that people aren’t aware of in themselves. Some say I’m paranoid about it. I don’t blame them – I used to feel the same about racism. But now I know differently.

Everybody is racist in a way, from the beliefs that we’re brought up with. But some people don’t see it in themselves, don’t acknowledge the generalisations they believe about other races. But I can tell you that the prejudiced behaviour of strangers in the playground, at the shop, in the street… it still happens.

Stares and name-calling

When we’re in Slovakia, where I’m from, people stare a lot and want to touch the children’s hair, like they’re an attraction, and I can tell it bothers them.

Where we live in Scotland, in a small friendly community, there are no issues, but when we lived in London I could tell people didn’t approve of seeing mixed-race couples, just from their facial expressions and the tutting as we walked by. At first, I thought I was imagining it, but it happened repeatedly so I know it was real.

There have been instances when the boys have been called names, like when they were called the 'n' word by kids in a soft play centre. It was very painful and I was in tears, but it is my job to be strong and model resilience for my boys.

Many people don't realise the profound difference between being teased for height or hair colour versus being targeted for your skin colour and heritage. I used to be the same, though now I understand.

But also, there are times when confusing things happen that upset the boys, like when they have overheard people asking if they are adopted or from an orphanage.

People don’t always believe that I’m their mum because I am not the same colour as them and when kids ask this, it doesn’t bother me, they’re just curious. But when I reply to adults that I’m their mum and they say, "No, you’re not!" it’s upsetting and confusing for my children.

Suspicion and accusations

I remember once walking with the twins in a buggy in Welwyn Garden City and a police car stopped and the policemen asked if they were my kids in the buggy. There was an awkward exchange and they thought I didn’t understand and let me go. It was only afterwards that I realised the implications of what had happened. Why ask that? Were they implying I’d kidnapped them?

In a shop one day, we were queuing and one of my boys, then five, kept touching things, and the female cashier said, "Don’t steal." He wasn’t stealing, just touching things as children like to do – would she say the same thing to a white child?

Recently, one of the twins told me he read in a book about people in the past killing black people just because of their skin colour. He asked me why, and it caught me off guard. My son is young and sensitive, and I didn’t want to go too deep or worry him more, so I said there were some bad people in the world in the past. This is all very well, but my concern is for how things are going to be in the future, when they’re adults.

Unconscious bias

I worry about how the police treat dark-skinned people differently, how if two people are suspected of a crime, police are more likely to blame a black person than a white one. When they go for jobs are they going to be judged differently? My youngest son’s name is Yaw, after my husband, so will his CV be judged differently than someone with a white name?

It wasn’t just one occasion when the unconscious bias against black people dawned on me – it was gradual. There would be the looks of disapproval at the sight of us together. Then there would be things Yaw told me about how he was treated when growing up. And while I know some women cover their handbag when they walk past somebody, it seemed to be over-the-top the way it happened when my husband walked past. I try not to be oversensitive and see racism everywhere, because of course it’s not – but it does happen.

At one point, I questioned whether it was a good decision to have had our mixed-race children together. Don’t get me wrong, I love them very much, but I have found myself asking, 'Am I ready for this?'

When there have been doubts in my mind, it’s because I have worries about them – not me – and how they might suffer and be unhappy as teenagers when there will be more challenges. Teenagers are like big toddlers, so how will they respond?

Racism in everyday life

One of the twins, Mason, is very sensitive, an anxious child who has nightmares. If people call him names as he gets older, and he understands what it means, I know that will get to him. Like all mums, I just want my children to be happy and I worry that this will impact their happiness and confidence.

Some white friends with mixed race children have told me that when their children have encountered racism at school, the teachers have not known how to handle it because they’re not educated to do so. Of course, I realise that for people of colour this kind of prejudice I’m talking about is not unfamiliar, nor is it fair. But for me, it’s like a brand-new world with unfamiliar challenges and I don’t know how to navigate them.

I try to educate people on this, and they don’t want to hear the truth. They say they’re not racist, and then five minutes later they’ll make a judgemental comment about a different ethnic group. People know what they shouldn’t say, but they can’t stop themselves thinking it. And some people even think it’s funny to tell me racist jokes – but I don’t find it funny. They know my family, and yet somehow, they think it’s appropriate.

So, my awareness of the racism around us is not paranoia – it’s real. Being the white person in our family, knowing it’s happening to them but not to me, and wanting to protect them as I become conscious of what could happen to them – it’s always at the back of my mind.

I’m telling my story to make people aware of how things really are for mixed race families. All I can do is make sure my husband and I raise them to be confident, strong boys who are proud of who they are.

You can see more info about Ivana's coaching here or listen to her podcast Life In Black and White – and all the shades in between.

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